Thursday, April 26, 2012

5 Excellent Films

I used to have no life. I still have no life, but I have shittier job than I had before. Of all the things that've suffered in the recession, my movie watching is the most biggest one.

From 2007 till like mid last year I was on the unlimited plan at Netflix, basically a movie every night. I saw somewhere near a thousand movies. I was a top 200 or something reviewer at Netflix (some people have negative life). Seeing this, the Federal Reserve started the recession so I got a hard ass job and I don't really do Netflix that much anymore and I don't write reviews there because it's less fun since they took all the film geek features away. I guess it saved them money but it seems kinda stupid. Why, for example, would I specifically NOT want to know who wrote a review of a movie and /or what they thought of other ones? I think Amazon and pretty much every other site have established that people do. Whatever, dude. Qwickster, that's all I have to say.

Anyway, I'm as much an expert on film as anybody now that the film critic no longer exists so I compiled this list that I think will define the cannon of fine film for the coming years. It's been too long since I've seen some of these to really offer reviews of any accuracy but they are all worth seeing.

"Help Help, the Globolinks" (1969)

"Hilfe, Hilfe, die Globolinks" was a failed opera that no one liked. It's the story of some space things that bother everybody. It's supposed to be a warning that modern music is horrible and tuneless but the Globolinks are the coolest part of the movie so it totally undermines it's own message. Another stupid thing is that the way to stop the Globos is to play music, but it's an opera! There's a nice scene with a little girl playing a violin to ward off the strange ass thingies as she makes her way through the forest and it's visually pretty cool but all the dialogue is the dark, Mighty Mouse type singing around. It's so obscure it doesn't even have an IMDB page. My friend's review of it is the only one I know of besides my old one. To quote:

"Globolinks is mostly a historical curiosity, a bizarre and bad example from a dying art form."

Fantastic Argoman (1967)

Argoman (I don't know what that means, of or pertaining to Jason and the Argonaughts) is a stud who has an awesome underwater hideout and can do stuff like this. Except, if he can use his mind to tell people to kill each other, can't he do pretty much anything? Isn't he really just God. As cheap and crazy as this is it's actually good and about a thousand times better than most Italian movies. The way white supremecists talk about Jews is how I think of Italians. If a movie is really half assed I start looking to see if an Italian's involved. They always, always, always, manage to have hot girls in their pictures though, so I guess they're all right after all.

Swept Away (2002)

Imagine if some rich guy paid 40 million dollars to remake "Die Hard" with himself in the lead role. That's fine, but what if he thought they could charge people to see it? Madonna gets swept away and has to rely on the lowly serf and the servant becomes the servee. Meanwhile, her muscles are bigger than his. The single was a cover of Come On A My House, the annoying Rosemary Clooney song. If you can even tolerate it, it's certainly a far cry from "Crazy for you" or "Live to tell" on the Madonna soundtrack spectrum. No gems hidden in this turkey carcass.

"Madonna is very sub standard in this terrible movie"- Gene Siskel

ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Moveeh (2002)

A gay guy swallows a large magic rock that falls out of the sky (it's really disturbing) and turns into a Superwoman who has to save the village and does jokes with her/his transexual sidekick. This guy didn't like it

jex 558517

This is movie's singular focus is about how being gay is a happy human experience - what a waste of my family's time and money!

0 out of 13 people found this review helpful.

He's wrong though it's awesome. In fact, it's probably the only movie here I could recommend with something resembling a straight face.,Oqsxy_Rc4XKUxT7QfTcHPnxlMJl5KyhZXVVwUn1g7pGvcY8UpVROCDXIPhbJqg7bxT_mMFr8KvojoNeQ8a0b9A==.jpg

The Manitou (1978)

What's his name from the Odd Couple, who is totally miscast, fights a thing that grows out of Susan Strasberg's back. It's a 400 year old native American Demon or something. The movie is like a PCP nightmare. I love this review especially the higlighted part

"1.0 out of 5 stars Ed Wood Lives! And it was obviously this bad while they were filming..., March 11, 2007

By APC Reviews "APC Reviews" (USA) - This review is from: The Manitou (DVD)
The Manitou is one of the worst films ever made, "The Manitou" has now been released on DVD, which proves that if it's 90 minutes and in color with sound that just about anything can become immortal. William Girdler was the heir to Ed Wood's legacy in the truly bad movies hall of fame. Tragically, he was killed in a helicopter accident just after finishing the Manitou. This DVD release may help reacquaint the current generation of filmgoers with just how ludicrous a film can be while maintaining a straight face. If these guys had not taken themselves so seriously they might have made the Indian Medicine Man version of "Airplane".

I mention all this because I was a guest on the set of The Manitou for a few days during production -- I knew one of the crew members and hung around while they filmed various scenes with Tony Curtis and Burgess Meredith. also managed to get myself thrown off the set and off the lot, on the director's orders, for commenting within earshot of the screenwriter that " all seems like Tonto meets the Exorcist to me." Dejected, I went back into Hollywood and went to the second day performance of a new film showing at the Mann's Chinese, "Star Wars".

This is a truly awful film in that wonderful Ed Wood kind of way -- the quotes and sound bites are worth the price of the DVD just to hear actors actually say such things. And it was obviously this bad even standing there as they were filming... "

horrible mention:

Like Normal People (1979)

I haven't seen this so I couldn't include it but it's pretty uncanny. In my view, you don't go full retard or even part retard. It's minstrelsy.Let retarded poeple portray themselves. Shock Cinema evicerated it for it's condescending title and the demented performance of the actors. SC's Mike Sullivan had my favorite review "Shaun Cassidy who in awkward brown horn rimmed glasses resembles would be Reagan assassin John Hinckley jr imitating Jimmy Stewart as channeled through a cartoon horse" perhaps my favorite sentence ever. really twisted stuff.


  1. If you haven't see it, I must recommend Zardoz.

  2. I haven't seen that but I've always wanted to. thanks for the tip.