Monday, May 28, 2012

Wendy Vainity Primer/ Quasi Article

Every morning I'm a little late to work. The worst part of my day is load in UGH. Taking the packages off the truck and putting them in order can take as long as an hour and you don't get paid for it. Something smells funny, then you start smelling everything.

Then all the sudden it will come into my head "I am a little gurl, with a curl, right in the middle of my head, lalalala la la lah!"

Welcome to Wendy's world.

At some point I started following this guy Meowsans on twitter. If you're at all familiar with twitter, he's part of that crazy abstract part of it with Horse E Books and Katie Notopoulos and those people. I don't think it has a name. It's like they live inside twitter. Anyway, he starts posting these brilliant ass videos. On the surface, they have the feel of some "outsider" art*, with normal-people sort of aspirations and even some occasional Christian themes, but they're always resolved in a ridiculous unpredictable way, kind of like a stoned Thomas Kincaide. (* It's really more outsider-ish art I guess. There's no more outsider art anymore because everyone has the internet. )

The animations are unique and ribald and hilarious but it's the music that keeps you coming back. Some of them are from some Rodgers and Hammerstein thing she downloaded but some seem to be of her own device. The most overtly catchy tune has to be the nom de song of this shirtless, terrifying farmer:

One recurrent theme is simply the technical aspects of animation. We've all come to learn about Carrera and Daz via Wendy's descriptions from tossed off genius such as this and this She is also quite busy. I subscribed to her channel and there are new vids almost daily sometimes, though you have to comb through them to find pieces like those above, many are kind of just sketches. It wouldn't be youtube without some trolls but they are more or less kept in line by Wendy herself and her army of admirers, some of whom have formed tumblrs and facebook pages.

Youtube was only invented like what 6 years ago? I don't know what Wendy would have been doing before that but it probably wouldn't have been anything I ever would have seen.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

WTNG 89.9 FM: Solid Bronze compilation

I didn't listen to this album first before I bought it because I didn't realize the store I was in had a listening thing ( I'd only been there like twice). Sometimes you buy an album for what you THINK it is which is very dangerous and which you should never do and which no one has to do anymore, except me apparently. Shockingly, it was just about everything I could have hoped for! I've listened to it like a thousand times.

The page of the people who put it out does it far more justice than I will attempt as far as concept and background here. It's something like: Radio stations used to have a Battle of the Bands and the best bands would get to be on an album like this, so this is like one of those. Isn't that clever? It was released for the new national holiday Record Store Day. Every song sounds like a montage where people are rollerskating and falling in love. The lyrics all seem to say "hey, don't worry about it. STD's are just a part of growin' up nowadays". I think I actually caught something from the bassline in Cream & Sugars "Between Us".

It's pretty evenly balanced between upbeat and slow but of course, not TOO far in either direction. Caroline Peyton's "Try to be True", a jazzy Carole King -ish tune, is a quaint time capsule of the era. She asks if her lover could please try not to get with any girls while she's away, probably for like a weekend which was a lot to ask back then, I gather. It's kinda pathetic though, in any era. It's a good song though. The second half, or "side" as they used to say, gets a little moodier. Donna Kime's "Golden Pony" while somewhat cheesy (there's a line about silver dolphins or something) is more of a torchy soul song, but it fits in well enough. Lorren Cornelius's "Fantasy Woman" is also beautiful and intoxicating. At the same, you can't really have a song called "Fantasy Woman". "Fantasy Woman, you're a child in my eyes, Fantasy woman, something or other in disguise" A lot of the lyrics are kinda like that. I think people didn't pay attention in school a lot back then. I didn't either but I was like 5.

The Roach Band are the only group with a black singer. You'd figure he could school the honkeys on some Barry White type smoothness but instead they fizzle with a depressing repetitive song about a magic lamp. Greenflow's "I Gotcha", the albums sole instrumental, has a nice break that's cool the first 50 times but it gets annoying. Here I'll do it: 1,2,3 1-2,3, 1-2,3 4..I gotcha(repeat).

The rest is light, fun and even good in a besides the point ish way. I don't know when these songs were recorded exactly, it sounds like right went everyone switched over to cocaine. I wonder if legit musicians today can even play this kind of music? You have to listen to it on your day off though. It doesn't quite work any other time.

Monday, May 14, 2012

More Work Shenanigans

I was almost finished for the day. Had a delivery on Gray Cliff Street: a strange, hilly, winding, thin street in a very affluent part of Chestnut Hill. It goes up then down, so I went up then down. As I was heading down I saw there was construction going on and stopped. The flagger guy assessed the situation then pointed at me to go back. Problem: I can't go back and uphill because I have no transmission.

"Clunker" era Fords are infamous for the transmission giving out well below 100,000 miles and mine's at 74,000. Another thing that happens is your car doesn't downshift, you just neutral out when you lift your foot off the gas. If driving like this sounds insane to you realize how small the profit margin is for an independent contractor. I am on a waiting list of sorts for a transmission and am waiting for the extremely hot daughter of my mechanic to call me but I've been waiting a while.

The guy is like "you're kidding me". He tells the guy in the 18 wheeler to go back as I wave at them, laughing because what else can I do? I go down and to the left where my delivery is. My scanner conveniently drops out too, so I'm trying to turn it off then on so I can scan the package while all this hubub is going on. The lady is home doing gardening and looking at me like I'm an alien. Finally I just give her the package and back up. The dude comes back and is pissed "I thought you couldn't go backwards?" "No, I can't go backhill." a word I invented on the spot to describe going backward and uphill.

"I'll prove it to you" I say. He's game, I back up a bit onto Gray Cliff. "Okay you ready? Look" I motion to my gear showing thingy and show it's now in reverse. "Okay I've come to a complete stop." He has his hands on my downed window area, like a cop. My car starts going FORWARD a bit and he instinctively begins pushing it upwards. I start revving the gas, the car goes nowhere. "My bad" he says smiling. You ever have an altercation with someone and you think of a quip or comeback later? Mine was "No, my!"

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Today at work

I'd just brought three giant heavy boxes up the stairs at some place and went back to my car and rewarded myself with an apple. I eat one or two apples a day every day because they travel well and I can't think of anything else. If they are now bad for you or something please don't tell me because I don't even care. They're there in the thing an I eat em. So I'm driving out and this idiot cab driver almost barrels into me. I kind of glare at him a little and now he's behind me which is a little awkward. That kind of stuff happens all the time. It barely registers.

Still, it's awkward when for some reason you can't get away from each other and this guy was now behind me. When we got to the street he was going left and I was going right so we were next to each other. more awkward. I see he's a little younger than me and arab then he motions for me to roll down my window. "Oh Brother" I'm thinking "What the fuck is he gonna say? Do I really have to have another useless conversation with some tough guy puffing his chest about DRIVING?" I lower my window and am like "What?" and he goes "Excuse me, do you have another apple?"

I'm like what the fuck? I fish around in the thing and pull one out and give it to him. "I love thees" he says. He then expressed concern that was this my last one and I'm thinking dude there's nothing I could care less about in this world than that apple please take it. Mind you, they are really good apples, good hard non mushy but tasty, kinda big. He was probably psyched when he ate it. "No I'm almost done it's cool". Then he asked me how to get to Comm Ave and I told him and we were like see ya later!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Avant-Garde Show

Last Friday I decided to go to the Whitehaus in JP to see some acts. I never go anywhere lately so I thought I'd go out. Theres alot of stuff in Cambridge but it's too far away. I drive for a living and I dont want to get back in the car and drive for an hour. So I found this little, ugh, scene in the Jamaica Plain and I've been to a few things.

After waking up from a drunken nap I suddenly decided I had to write an article on the hooker making fun of the Secret Service in Columbia so it was 9:30 when I finally left. These things are BYOB so I stopped at the Ruggeries market and, realizing I was hungry, also got some slices. There are 15 pizza places in my town and the idea of getting pizza someplace else is ridiculous but I didn't have much choice. I tell you what though, it was pretty good! The people were nice and there were some hot girls walking around. I live in the suburbs and the only time I see hot girls is at work when I deliver (packages) to one of the local colleges and then it's all rich white girls. You'd be surprised how much one can miss hot black and puerto rican girls. I got a dumb PBR and went over to the place. OOPS!

The events Whitehaus had promoted in the past had been at the place in the picture but tonights was at the Whitehaus itself, which I had no idea where it was. I thought back to the website and tried to see if I had any memory of the address but nothing came up. Home was 20 minutes away and my phone is just a sucko work phone and a Go phone at that. I don't access the internet on it except twitter once in while. think think. I drive into the center of JP and see "Video Undergound' a video store?? did I drive though a time machine? I go in and it's hipster ish and there are fliers including ones for the thing I want to see but they just say @whitehaus so I ask the guy.

First he tries to look it up online but he was probably looking up Whitehouse and nothing came up. Then he tried to call his friend but they weren't home. He knew it was down the street somewhere and said to ask someone who fit my general description. I go down the street, no one has heard of Whitehaus. Inevitably people answer my question with "1600 Pennsylvania avenue!" which drives me up the wall. Finally a girl directs me to Seaverns street. One house has funky looking junk in front of it so I walk over there and stumble upon what I think is a private party but no it's the dang Whitehaus!! I made it.


It's just some college kids' house (excuse me, haus) and you walk in through the living room into the basement. I went to shows like this in college, specifically Doc Hopper shows in Allston but I knew them and I was with people so I felt weird. Immediately I saw one, then two nice cats and I love cats so I played with them. Eventually, I realize the show is downstairs so I head down. Ey Koo is playing. She looks alot like an old boss of mine from the 90's. The thing for the show compared her favorably to stuff like Royal trux's "Twin Infinitives" a record I've listened to a trillion times and other Drag City / Siltbreezy stuff from the 90's. It was okay but kind of more akin to someone trying to describe Flying Saucer Attack to someone else by turning up the reverb on everything to a million. It was better than Cat power but really could have used alot less reverb. I really like this youtube of her though.

When the set ended I walked around a little. I put a (one) dollar in the thing. (The guy was gracious!) Police cars zoomed by with a futuristic woob woob sort of sound along with the siren, making everything that much more surreal. There are some cute girls but they are 12 years younger than me and what am I going to say "I'm not even sure I'm awake hi!" so I play with the cats some more. One guy carries the cat around the house on his back. The cat is very calm the whole time. People just sit and talk about the cats which is fine with me. Various lps and so forth are for sale but I heard about 10 minutes of one of the acts.

Eventually I head back down and a guy who has a wikipedia entry that looks like a scientist's has a bunch of weird hand held walkman things that are making squiggling sounds that two mics, one of which appears to be a PZM which I wish I had (mine broke). He squiggles around for a while and I lose patience. There are like a dozen people left. Sister Angela Sawyer, whose band I came to see and missed, is asleep in front of the music. I get back in the car and listen to WMBR. The rap show I'd been listening to has turned into an R n B show but its still pretty good. The song is about how this R n B guy wants to be the girl's housekeeper or something.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Colombian Prostitute: U.S. Secret Service Agents “Idiots”

As Pee Wee said to Francis "I love that story."

On April 13 in beautiful Cartegena, Columbia, two covert peoples ran into each other and the results weren't good for anybody. One was a secret service agent. The other, a beautician who unbeknowst to friends and family was living a double life as a high priced call girl. (sort of) (Actually, just as a regular prostitute).

If there's one thing I've learned from scandals both public and personal it's that paying prostitutes what you owe them is a good idea. The beautician/ private dancer 25 year old Dania Londoño Suarez met the idiot at a hotel bar where he and his co-horts, no doubt exhausted and drained from a day of walking around near the President (and Shakira at one point) came down to let off some steam. Soon, they were all of them drinking and dancing like, well, you know. So she agreed to go back to the hotel and he agreed to a completely voluntary non prostitutional "gift" of 800 bucks, which is alot but less than Vegas (I've heard). first lady?

In the morning, Mr Guy who was buying bottles of vodka for half of Cartegena the night before became a sober Mr Hyde skinflint and told her to get lost. She was pissed and rounded up anyone she could find and made a fuss, which she's come to regret since the thing has spoiled her double life. She's pulled no punches in regards to their professional conduct.

“The man slept all night,” Suarez said, according to The Associated Press. “If I had wanted to, I could have gone through all his documents, his wallet, his suitcase.”

Suarez said if her alleged client carried sensitive information, she could have compromised the security of the president. She was bewildered that the agents didn’t take the situation seriously

Like it matters. Nuts have been going after presidents since the invention of the president. The whole secret service thing is all theatre.

As big a screw up as this was, none of it will affect the presidential race which is all anyone cares about so it doesn't matter. Dania Londoño Suarez can probably be in Columbian Playboy and/or appear on a Columbian reality series or if she's really lucky, do something else like have a career and forget this ever happened. The guy I guess quit. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he got a pension of some sort.

One kind of crazy thing I noticed though: She gave the initial interview in Madrid, Spain and had been hiding out before that in Dubai during the hubub. I've always wondered why there were so many hookers in movies and never bought that their lives were as exciting as Hollywood made them out to be. I figured they were actually really depressing. Have you been to Spain, the United Arab Emirates and South America in the past month? All from meeting guys in the hotel bar.